If I told you that I just woke up one day after being married for nearly 16 years and said to myself “Today is the day… I am done. I want a divorce!” would you believe me? Because truth is... That is exactly what happened. There was no big fight, no crazy event, just this simple comment from my daughter and years.. I mean YEARS of events leading up to this day.
I want a divorce!
In May of 2011 my life changed forever. As a woman when you go through hard times you blame yourself. It doesn’t matter what you are told, or what others tell you, the blame falls on your shoulders. What makes matters worse is when you actually ARE being blamed for it. And when you’re being treated poorly because of it by others. That’s a heavy load to carry. I remember feeling the physical pain in my neck and upper back. It truly felt as if I was literally carrying the weight of the stress all the time.
When you go through a trauma you naturally go into fight or flight mode. It is almost like an out of body experience. You go through so many phases of mourning that you begin to feel crazy. One month you are fine and then one day your are having a complete breakdown to two sweet sales girls who stumbled on your doorstep to sell you magazines. True story. I still feel terrible about that one. But they were sweet enough to just hold me and let me cry.
Our Bishop recommended a program for us. I thought WHY do I need to participate in this? I am not the one with a problem. I was not happy about going, and I was not happy about participating in any sort of group therapy whatsoever. I didn’t want to be that vulnerable. I am a very private person. BUT, I was willing to try. That is what you do. You try everything. You don’t just give up. The first few weeks I was not much of a participant. More of an observer. But I will admit, I quickly changed. Suddenly it was for me. I grew SO much as a person. I needed it. It taught me that I was WORTH something. That I deserved to be treated better. That I deserved to be adored. To be respected. To be loved. And that love had to start with myself. I found SO much strength from my new friends in that group. I looked forward to those weekly meetings and that year and a half was life changing. I learned that the only person I could control was myself. That what anyone else did was their choice, NOT MINE. And what became of it was a consequence and one that they had to live with. But in that I had a CHOICE. I didn’t have to live with it. I didn’t have to just deal with it. I got to also choose. As I got stronger, I cared less and less about what he was doing, where he was, who he was with and more about how I could be better, healthier, stronger, and happier!
I got stronger
If I am being honest I feel like I grew rapidly, and I am not sure that the changes in me were embraced. But I truly loved the woman I was becoming. I wanted my kids to know a healthy relationship, a happy mom. So that morning… when I woke up and I thought “I want a divorce!” it was the most alive I had felt in years. For a long time I had felt absolutely nothing for the man that I was married to. No love. No passion. No anger. No sadness. I felt dead inside for years. And suddenly I felt alive. I chose ME. I saved myself. I became my own Hero!
I became my own Hero
The rest of my life… will be the best of my life. My kids will get to see me living out my dreams as an IFBB Pro. They will get to see me building healthy relationships. My hope is that they will allow themselves to open up and allow good male examples into their lives. It is never too late to be happy. And the kids and I are incredibly happy!
Photo Credit goes to Lyman Winn of L1quid Studios