Giving Myself Permission To Break Free!

Giving Myself Permission To Break Free!

If I told you that I just woke up one day after being married for nearly 16 years and said to myself “Today is the day… I am done. I want a divorce!” would you believe me? Because truth is... That is exactly what happened. There was no big fight, no crazy event, just this simple comment from my daughter and years.. I mean YEARS of events leading up to this day.

I want a divorce!

In May of 2011 my life changed forever. As a woman when you go through hard times you blame yourself. It doesn’t matter what you are told, or what others tell you, the blame falls on your shoulders. What makes matters worse is when you actually ARE being blamed for it. And when you’re being treated poorly because of it by others. That’s a heavy load to carry. I remember feeling the physical pain in my neck and upper back. It truly felt as if I was literally carrying the weight of the stress all the time.

When you go through a trauma you naturally go into fight or flight mode. It is almost like an out of body experience. You go through so many phases of mourning that you begin to feel crazy. One month you are fine and then one day your are having a complete breakdown to two sweet sales girls who stumbled on your doorstep to sell you magazines. True story. I still feel terrible about that one. But they were sweet enough to just hold me and let me cry.

Our Bishop recommended a program for us. I thought WHY do I need to participate in this? I am not the one with a problem. I was not happy about going, and I was not happy about participating in any sort of group therapy whatsoever. I didn’t want to be that vulnerable. I am a very private person. BUT, I was willing to try. That is what you do. You try everything. You don’t just give up. The first few weeks I was not much of a participant. More of an observer. But I will admit, I quickly changed. Suddenly it was for me. I grew SO much as a person. I needed it. It taught me that I was WORTH something. That I deserved to be treated better. That I deserved to be adored. To be respected. To be loved. And that love had to start with myself. I found SO much strength from my new friends in that group. I looked forward to those weekly meetings and that year and a half was life changing. I learned that the only person I could control was myself. That what anyone else did was their choice, NOT MINE. And what became of it was a consequence and one that they had to live with. But in that I had a CHOICE. I didn’t have to live with it. I didn’t have to just deal with it. I got to also choose. As I got stronger, I cared less and less about what he was doing, where he was, who he was with and more about how I could be better, healthier, stronger, and happier!

I got stronger

If I am being honest I feel like I grew rapidly, and I am not sure that the changes in me were embraced. But I truly loved the woman I was becoming. I wanted my kids to know a healthy relationship, a happy mom. So that morning… when I woke up and I thought “I want a divorce!” it was the most alive I had felt in years. For a long time I had felt absolutely nothing for the man that I was married to. No love. No passion. No anger. No sadness. I felt dead inside for years. And suddenly I felt alive. I chose ME. I saved myself. I became my own Hero!

I became my own Hero

The rest of my life… will be the best of my life. My kids will get to see me living out my dreams as an IFBB Pro. They will get to see me building healthy relationships. My hope is that they will allow themselves to open up and allow good male examples into their lives. It is never too late to be happy. And the kids and I are incredibly happy!

Photo Credit goes to Lyman Winn of L1quid Studios

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I have a few @fitmarkbags but one of my favorites is the Envoy Backpack 🎒! I ordered this for one of my more recent competitions because I thought it would be a great way to carry on my items and I loved the little "lunch box" idea. Well guess what? I STILL love my lunch box and I use it every day for work! 😁 It's been perfect for taking my lunch, a ready to drink protein shake, snack and my Rockstar ⭐️ even fits! Throw an ice pack in there and you're good to go! Right now through #Olympia weekend @fitmarkbags is having a special for 20% off 👍 but you can use my code KH15 and get 15% off anytime you want! 😘 #whatsinyourbag #nicebag #fitmarkbags #mealprep #mealpreplife #preparetosucceed #prep #ifbb #ifbbproleague #pro #ifbbpro #bodybuilding #gotgoals #success #neverquit #lovetolift #TeamHeugly #competitor #dreambig
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Here I sit at just shy of two weeks out for my next show, the IFBB Arkansas Pro. I wanted to see how I looked at two weeks out from my last show (July 1st) the IFBB Patriots Pro vs. now. Feedback was to, of course... tone down my obliques 😔 and to continue building my upper glutes, but that the roundness was coming along and that my glutes were pretty on point for Vegas 🙌🏻 I have worked very hard trying to balance out where I can and stay mentally strong. I'm striving for a balanced physique, not perfection. The fact that I truly love the sport and I've maintained consistency with my training and my diet for several years without a lot of fluctuation has helped me to continually progress. I'm not perfect, far from it. But I am happy, I don't feel deprived, or like I am doing something that is unnatural FOR ME. Thanks to my coach @shaneheugly I have been able to make this fit into my life not made my life fit into THIS. #balance I'm blessed with an amazing man @tohenich . ❤️ I can't say that enough. He is someone that comes around once in a lifetime! Is it hard? 😩 Yes of course it is. So are a lot of things. But anything worth it does not come easy does it? #idoitforme
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Best way to end a LONG week 💪 #gym #oldschoollabs #keepitoldschool #datenight
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Nothing like the biggest shoes 👟EVER to make you feel super tiny 😂 #shoes #sizematters
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Another day closer.... 💪 #3weeksout
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#FlashBackFriday to the 2014 & 2015 IFBB North American Championships in conjunction with the IFBB Pittsburgh Pro Masters Championship 👏🏻 In 2014 I competed as an amateur trying to earn my Pro status. I had just turned 35 the weekend before and my number just happened to be 826 🙌🏻 (my birthdate 😊) I was PUMPED!! #signs AND... I received first callouts in both the open class D and my masters class! 😃 This was following 2 National shows of 16th placings 😬 🤞Well, I ended up taking 2nd place in BOTH classes that night. No Pro card but I felt amazing and so proud for how far I had come! 2015, I finally got to step on that same stage as an IFBB Pro, where I placed 3rd! 🎊 #dreamscometrue earning my Pro status at Junior Nationals in Chicago in 2015 was a great accomplishment but it did not come easy for me! Good luck competitors, friends, and teammates next week! ⭐️ Enjoy the process, enjoy the experience. 💕 Make memories! ❤️ No matter what you have already won!
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Stage Sass.... 😩🙄... as an "older" woman it is not always easy for me to do... 😂. Sometimes I get uncomfortable watching people overly sassy on stage. 🙈 I am very much an introvert and that lady 👆 is my alter ego! Yesterday I was lucky enough to meet up with my own posing coach IFBB Pro @theugly so we could really polish and fine tune the changes I made to my routine this season.... well we did just that and added in a couple things that I just LOVE!!!! ❤️ Classy Sassy! Yes... that is what I consider my posing ☺️ I literally cannot wait to do this! #5weeksout #proleague #TeamHeugly #posingcoach #humpday #classysassy #glutes #ifbb #ifbbpro #proleague #ifbbproleague #ifbbbikini #stagesass #stagepresence #keepitclassy #momswholift #momswithmuscle #bodybuilding #muscular #utahfit #utahfitfam #utahfitness #liftlikeagirl #fitfam #fitlife
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Mommmm... seriously?!? Do we have to do this EVERY year? Hello 8th Grade!!! Yup! Now smile 😃... 😬 #teenagers This amazing daughter of mine has become such an incredible young woman! I wish she could see what I saw! 💕 You my beautiful baby girl are SO strong, and so smart, and wise beyond your years! Middle school is tough, but you are tougher 😘 We love you!! @pajha.marie @tohenich #8thgrader #middleschool #juniorhigh #teengirls #mommysgirl #loveyou #mybaby #beautifulgirl #nottrying #bestyearyet #strongerthanyouknow #weloveyou #leadbyexample #strength #beyourselfalways #beyoutiful #selflove #firstdayofschool
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This handsome guy starts his junior year in high school today! 😲 Seriously cannot believe it. Watching him grow and grow and grow to where he is now towering over me has been one of the biggest blessings in my life! ❤️ #youcanslowdownnow He is so talented!! Between his film making and his #parkour his future is bright.... and my anxiety is high 😂 #followyourdreams #alwaysdoingflips I hope that this will be your best year yet. We love you bud! @peyton_exp @tohenich #junioryear #firstdayofschool #firstday #handsome #loveyou #goodluck #dreambig #setgoals #highschool
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Married 5 months and we never hung a picture 😬 Soooo... For the past 5 or so weeks my amazing husband @tohenich has been working hard on making our home OURS! 😍 Today we officially finished every single room 😲 Home Sweet Home! ❤️ #homesweethome #lovenest #marriage #secondmarriagesaretheBEST #handyman #iadorehim #magichappenshere #loveofmylife #loveandmarriage #diy #ceilingbeams #romance #bestfriend #westillloveeachother #extremehomemakeover
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Okay so this whole not working for a minute and spending time with my kids thing has been AMAZING 🙌🏻 So thankful for this time, especially before school starts!! 💕 #canwedothiseveryday #ilovethem #bestmorningever #momtoteenagers #bestkids #rollerblading #longboarding @pajha.marie @peyton_exp

About Me

My name is Kerryne, I started competing in 2009 in the Figure division. It lit a fire in me I never knew I had... Read More!

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